Feeding Off Of Uncomfortable Situations

When they concern an action that I did, I feed off of uncomfortable situations, or “mess-ups”.

Sometimes I know I could have “done something else” or “done something better”, but why bother worrying about it? What is done is done, there’s no going back.

Instead, feel good for having pushed yourself or just having lived through an uncomfortable moment, that you will hopefully learn from. It will hopefully set a higher foundation for any future action you want to execute.

“Weird”

“Weird” is a word often used in everyday conversations, however, I have come to find that when the definition of the word changes is a sign of whatever interaction I’m having becoming truly precious.

The everyday definition of the world means not ordinary, often in a slightly or obvious negative sense. There is a sense of rejection with it, as since whatever we’re talking about is weird, we don’t necessarily want anything to do with it, or we don’t wholly agree with it.

  • Yeah, that person is weird.
  • You like pineapple on pizza? That’s weird.

The definition that tells me a discussion is truly valuable is when the word shifts to meaning something out of the ordinary, but not in a negative sense, only as an indicator that whatever we’re talking about is indeed not common, but that it makes it interesting, unique in a way.

  • That picture is weird!
  • I like John. He’s weird, and not afraid to show it.

It’s Easy to be Negative

It’s so easy.

  • If someone lies, it’s extremely easy to give them that label.
  • If you look close enough, it’s extremely easy to find something wrong with the world worth complaining about (especially if you can’t do anything about it).
  • If your job frustrates you, it’s extremely easy to complain about it whenever you get home.
  • If your life -as of right now- frustrates you, oh how easy it is to take it out on your friends, siblings, spouse, parents, your kids, or even random strangers, whether it’d be a waiter in a restaurant or a clerk working at the bank.

It’s hard to do the opposite. It’s hard, and it takes a lot of humility. But one one hand, negativity brings nothing but negative outcomes (oh, how ironic):

  • No one will want to be around you. Negativity isn’t fun to be around.
  • No one will listen to you. If they do, they’re either also negative and only really care about their negative view of the world, or they’re your therapist.
  • The complaining won’t fulfill you. In fact, it will make you feel even emptier, needing more and more negativity to justify and fill the growing hole inside of your chest.
  • People will despise you. If your frustration brings you to the point of having to always complain about the little “wrong” things people do and never focus on anything good, trust me, they will.

The Cockroach Dilemma

It’s right there, staring you in the face. You would never think it would have to come to this moment. Yet, here you are. And you have to get rid of it.

You don’t want to be anywhere near it, but you don’t want it in your immediate space.

So you force yourself to dispose of it, setting aside your disgust for just a second in order to kill it or to dispatch it to a location other than your house.

What you don’t want to think about is how many are living peacefully near you, out of your sight.

We have many problems and demons that control our everyday lives. Yet, there are many we don’t take care of. Like the hidden cockroaches, we tolerate them, because we don’t truly want to see them, and only take care of them once they become a real threat.

The problem with that is; the nest is what needs to be addressed, not only the few that wander outside of it, as it can also provide the protagonist with a false sense of security; of a “job well done”.

Gut First, Mind Later

There comes a time when letting your mind quack about a situation becomes highly counterproductive. Whether you’re in class with a question burning the inside of your skull, or debating whether or not you should approach that good looking girl in a club, your mind, then, won’t help. You have to listen to your gut. Not even that, because your gut doesn’t require listening, as it has no words to offer, only impulses and feelings. If I say “listening”, this might lead you to accidentally listen to your brain instead.

No, you shouldn’t listen to your gut, but feel it instead.

Feel your gut, shut your brain up.

When introduced to an impulse you know will be doubted and overthought by your brain, feel it. Experience it in all its glory. Then execute on it. And what your brain would try to tell you about it.

 

Working At Midnight

I love working at midnight.

While during the day, my brain constantly nags me to grab my phone, to watch videos that were just posted or snapchat stories that were just updated; at midnight, many people have gone to sleep.

And my brain finally decides to focus.

No sounds in the house except for the constant hum of the fan spiraling above my head. Sure, there are always people at the other side of the globe (or just watching Netflix late at night) to release content no matter how late it is for you, but when darkness finally rises outside my window, my brain shuts down its daytime worries and finally enters focus mode.

If not for the sleepiness eventually imposing itself when ignored for too long, 1AM would be my best time to get any type of work done.

 

 

Photo credit: Lucas Gallone

I’m Obssessed With My Own Success

Not with anyone else’s. Not with the success of the kid next door. Not with a random company that sold for millions of dollars. Not even with the success of my role models.

I’m obsessed with my own success.

I couldn’t put it into a clear sentence until now. I just knew one thing. I couldn’t breathe. I still can’t. I’ve been procrastinating, and it has been driving me crazy. I can feel it in my guts. The hunger. The craving for something bigger. But I haven’t been putting in the work.

Now it’s close to 1AM, and it just came to me:

I’m not sleeping until I get a couple of posts in.

Not the “I’ll-write-a-bit-and-then-watch-a-youtube-video-for-motivation”.

It’s bs and I know it. I’ve been watching videos and playing games because I don’t truly know what I should be doing.

The month I took a cold shower every morning was one of my best. It’s been a moment since I’ve stopped, and I’ve felt it. I’ve been flinging myself into uncomfortable situations less and less. Been procrastinating even more.

Now that school is over, I have to create my own homework assignments.

All these hours I’ve spent playing random games on my phone or watching videos on Youtube are gone. I can’t get them back. All these hours could have been spent writing posts on here, getting better at playing the piano, or learning a new skill: but they haven’t.

Dwelling on that won’t help me at all though.

The present is the present is the present. There’s no true past, only ideas we can remember from it. There’s no true future, only an everlasting present. The present is the only thing there is, everything around it is either immovable, unchangeable or a set of actions soon to become part of the past, immovable and unchangeable. There is no “if”. There is what happened, what you’re doing, and what you will do; however, this life is a single path, not a tree. Your decisions will lead you down one single path, whether you like it or not. The choices we’re brought to make in life often make us think of it as branching, where our choices could lead to different outcomes. But do not be mistaken: there is what exists, and what doesn’t. What doesn’t exist isn’t tangible. The “if” isn’t truly out there. You will live one path of life. Whether you choose to ponder on how else that path “could have” gone is up to you, but ultimately, you are the one digging it. Whether you want to complain about how that path could have been a branching tree is your choice, but watch where you’re digging, because there’s a cliff up ahead, and you’re not looking straight.

I’ve been caught up in imagining a tree in which my success could happen, which bothered me, as I was aware my actions weren’t matching up. I’ve been focused on the branches, the possibilities, the different actions I could take to get there, instead of just owning my path and executing in the present moment.

I haven’t been executing like my guts tell me I should. This may even be the second manifesto piece I’ve written. No more. I’m 17, and I know that I can’t go another single day without pursuing my vision and executing on it. Nothing else matters, apart from staying healthy; as, without a vision, I’ll just be looking for distractions, and not to what I could be doing to make myself happy. Without knowing what I truly am shooting for, the goal that I’ll have until my last dying breath, I’ll just be sleepwalking my way through life. And that thought truly scares the hell out of me.

I know that writing in this form works for me. So I’ll do it. I know that I want to keep playing the piano, so I’ll do it. In the days when I feel lost, I’ll remember these two things, and execute on them, no matter how I feel.

I look around, and I see old friends still stuck where I used to be. In a land where sadness is both despised and involuntarily embraced.

It may sound condescending, but I’m not trying to be.

An old me made friends with these people. An obsolete version of who I used to be. Some of them have grown to be compatible with me still, for better or for worse. Some haven’t. It’s the way life works.

But I can’t focus on that. I have to move on. Because until I have reached the success I’m aiming for, I won’t be able to breathe, and the hunger will drive me mad. So it’s time to do; it’s time to act.

 

 

Picture credit: Lucas Gallone