I’m Obssessed With My Own Success

Not with anyone else’s. Not with the success of the kid next door. Not with a random company that sold for millions of dollars. Not even with the success of my role models.

I’m obsessed with my own success.

I couldn’t put it into a clear sentence until now. I just knew one thing. I couldn’t breathe. I still can’t. I’ve been procrastinating, and it has been driving me crazy. I can feel it in my guts. The hunger. The craving for something bigger. But I haven’t been putting in the work.

Now it’s close to 1AM, and it just came to me:

I’m not sleeping until I get a couple of posts in.

Not the “I’ll-write-a-bit-and-then-watch-a-youtube-video-for-motivation”.

It’s bs and I know it. I’ve been watching videos and playing games because I don’t truly know what I should be doing.

The month I took a cold shower every morning was one of my best. It’s been a moment since I’ve stopped, and I’ve felt it. I’ve been flinging myself into uncomfortable situations less and less. Been procrastinating even more.

Now that school is over, I have to create my own homework assignments.

All these hours I’ve spent playing random games on my phone or watching videos on Youtube are gone. I can’t get them back. All these hours could have been spent writing posts on here, getting better at playing the piano, or learning a new skill: but they haven’t.

Dwelling on that won’t help me at all though.

The present is the present is the present. There’s no true past, only ideas we can remember from it. There’s no true future, only an everlasting present. The present is the only thing there is, everything around it is either immovable, unchangeable or a set of actions soon to become part of the past, immovable and unchangeable. There is no “if”. There is what happened, what you’re doing, and what you will do; however, this life is a single path, not a tree. Your decisions will lead you down one single path, whether you like it or not. The choices we’re brought to make in life often make us think of it as branching, where our choices could lead to different outcomes. But do not be mistaken: there is what exists, and what doesn’t. What doesn’t exist isn’t tangible. The “if” isn’t truly out there. You will live one path of life. Whether you choose to ponder on how else that path “could have” gone is up to you, but ultimately, you are the one digging it. Whether you want to complain about how that path could have been a branching tree is your choice, but watch where you’re digging, because there’s a cliff up ahead, and you’re not looking straight.

I’ve been caught up in imagining a tree in which my success could happen, which bothered me, as I was aware my actions weren’t matching up. I’ve been focused on the branches, the possibilities, the different actions I could take to get there, instead of just owning my path and executing in the present moment.

I haven’t been executing like my guts tell me I should. This may even be the second manifesto piece I’ve written. No more. I’m 17, and I know that I can’t go another single day without pursuing my vision and executing on it. Nothing else matters, apart from staying healthy; as, without a vision, I’ll just be looking for distractions, and not to what I could be doing to make myself happy. Without knowing what I truly am shooting for, the goal that I’ll have until my last dying breath, I’ll just be sleepwalking my way through life. And that thought truly scares the hell out of me.

I know that writing in this form works for me. So I’ll do it. I know that I want to keep playing the piano, so I’ll do it. In the days when I feel lost, I’ll remember these two things, and execute on them, no matter how I feel.

I look around, and I see old friends still stuck where I used to be. In a land where sadness is both despised and involuntarily embraced.

It may sound condescending, but I’m not trying to be.

An old me made friends with these people. An obsolete version of who I used to be. Some of them have grown to be compatible with me still, for better or for worse. Some haven’t. It’s the way life works.

But I can’t focus on that. I have to move on. Because until I have reached the success I’m aiming for, I won’t be able to breathe, and the hunger will drive me mad. So it’s time to do; it’s time to act.

 

 

Picture credit: Lucas Gallone

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